Oh my, where to begin.

I had all but forgotten about this blog until the other day when I saw a post somewhere with the address of blogger, and low and behold my memory came rushing back of days and hours spent pouring my heart and soul out to complete strangers (well not complete since my actual followers are all people I know), but for the anonymous readers that remain faceless and unknown that happen to chance upon my little piece of space. 

I don't know if anyone reads my blog, if anyone ever really did, or if anyone ever will again. And I realize that my mere 79 posts do not even come close to the thousands of dedicated bloggers out there in the world that post religiously every day, and sometimes multiple times a day complete with wit, humor, insight, wise advise and beautiful photographs. But I am who I am, and this is mine.

I used to love to write, it was beyond a love really. It was a passion that sparked other passions in my life. I have always had a wild and vivid imagination. I wasn't one to play with Barbie's, but I saw things where no one else saw anything. I could stand atop my kiddie slide in the backyard of my childhood home instantly be standing at the edge of a cliff overlooking the sea while the wind whipped my hair into a frenzy and I lamented my love for a betrayal beyond words and a life of solitude.  The only solace I had in my desolation were the three unicorns that kept me company (our three cocker spaniels!) 

It was nothing for me to think up amazing stories on the fly with nothing but a picture to kick start my imagination, or a thought to nurture and grow until the back story of a situation was often times more interesting that the actual situation.  So when it came to writing, it was easy.

But recently I turned my back to my writing. I let adulthood become complicated and challenging and began to lose track of time.  This was not necessarily a bad thing though. I do have a family, with three teenagers and a grandchild. I am married to a wonderful man that treats me amazingly. I also decided to go back to school and get a degree in a field that has absolutely no room for imagination!, accounting.  Maybe my life wasn't so much too complicated for fantasy, but perhaps it was to amazing for fantasy.  Nevertheless I haven't written anything in over a year.  And even the latest blog entries weren't so much fanciful writings as they were general life updates.  Also, not all of my writings have always been fantasy, but more of just a way to express my own feelings and daily undertakings. 

Anyway. I have completely rambled, but then again, that is probably what I am really trying to say here.  I ramble. I spur off on tangents, I let my imagination run wild and I write. I write about normal every day stuff with a twist. I write in a way that I feel people can really get the point of what I am trying to say.  I love to write, and am hoping I will begin writing  more often again. Although, life does sometimes jump up and say HI!!

So much has happened, this past year of my life.  I have not written in a coon's age it seems. I have been living beyond my keyboard.  I stepped away from my camera lens to soak up a world of life, and be completely lazy.  I can't say I have been on some vision quest for these past months.  But perhaps in a mortal funk with myself.  Diving deep into my chosen daytime business, as of late, and as deep as I can.  While still finding time to do absolutely nothing.

this past year is a blur

Yet so, so much has happened. Where do I begin?

We started out the year in Georgia.  Where it snowed...

 and snowed...
 more snowing...
 and still snowing

 wild kids loving the snow
 as it continued to fall...
 and fall...
 remember this is Georgia...
 where it does not snow often..
 but decided to blizzard...
 the weekend we were packing to move..
 where else? North, where snow is common.
Great way to start, huh?!



But life is life. Things like this happen.  Just when you least expect it, the unexpected is bound to occur.  Like the day I realized that we were leaving Georgia exactly 5 years to the day of having moved to Georgia.  February 15th.  We were leaving friends we had come to love and loved ones that had shunned us.  We were leaving memories of first's and lasts.  Bound to create new memories of the same.  We were saying good-bye to 5 years of our lives, not knowing at all what to expect.  Stepping away from anything comfortable to beyond anything known.  The great unknown...

to be continued.

Dear Daddy,

It has been six years since you left us. Six long years since we have heard your voice, or listened to your music. Six years since we laughed with you and six years since we heard you say "I love you" Everyday I think about you. Almost as often do the kids ask about you or talk about you in some way or another.  I still find myself momentarily yearning to call you to ask you for a recipe, for advice, or even to just hear how your day was. 
So much has happened in the last six years. But I have only one thing I want to tell you about right now.

The reason I am writing this now, is because of your granddaughter.  She is learning to play the guitar and that has been wonderful and sad for me.  I see her sitting here, watch her playing and listen to the beautiful music she is strumming and can't help but see you sitting right behind her. Guiding her hands, fanning her passion and whispering the correct strumming technique or even notes in her ear.  She is trying so hard to learn as much as she can.  She craves more and more.  She loves playing, and I love listening.


When I was a child, even as I grew into an adult. My most favorite past time would be to sit and watch you play your guitar.  I could sit and be mesmerized for hours on end watching you. It didn't matter what you played most of the time I was happy even watching you just change strings and tune. Because I was watching you, to me, work magic.  The sounds you could make come out of those guitars was amazing to me.  I could never get something that beautiful sounding to come out of anything.



But she... she has it.  She has you. She can make magical sounds, and wonderful music. Even if she only knows 3 chords.  She experiments, and is not afraid. She strums and has no cares. She doesn't worry about how it sounds. She doesn't worry about making mistakes.  She plays.  That is how I know you are right behind her, guiding her little hands and big heart to where they need to be.  She is so like you, I can't get over it.

Tonight she tried teaching me.  We got out the other guitar, and I attempted to play.  I haven't tried in so long.  Too afraid.  But she talked me into it. She is such a wonderful teacher.  She actually got me to produce music! It sounded great, as long as she was playing with me.  She has begun writing, or anyway has been playing something she created herself.  Dad, I so wish you could hear this. I know you can, but I wish you could sit with us, on the edge of the bed, in a room lit by a small lamp with the cat laying in one corner and play. Listen and enjoy. Help add too, and give your advice.  Dad, I miss you so much.  I had to lay the guitar down for you.  To picture you walking in and taking it in your hands and start playing right along with her.  Because I know how you could listen to something once and be able to play it like a pro.

 Dad, I know you are proud of her. I know you are proud of us all. I only wish I could hear you say it.  I wish I could see it on your face. I wish she could see it.  I wish they could have gotten to know you so much more than they did.  I may sound selfish, but I don't care.
















I can see your face.  I can hear your voice. I wonder if you have your hands over hers? Are you sitting here with her.  I like to believe all that I wrote before, and believe you are.  She is so wonderful.










If only...

Dad, we miss you as much now, as the day it happened.  Daddy, we love you. Daddy, I love you.

Your daughter

Exactly 12 years ago this minute, (California time) I was being told, and quickly prepared, that I would be having an emergency c-section for my second child.  We had gone to the hospital the night before, because I had been having some contractions.  The contractions weren't enough to consider me being in full labor, but since they were going to induce me soon, they decided to keep me overnight and monitor me. Most likely to be induced the next day, after my doctor would come to check on me. 

During the night however, and much to my un-knowing at the time.  My babies heart rate dropped several times.  My blood pressure also went down.  The nurses at the time didn't feel the need to worry me about it, and since it would come back up relatively quickly after dropping, they didn't see the need to wake my doctor. 

My baby girl was a very active baby while I was pregnant with her.  I had a much more difficult pregnancy with her, than I had with my first.  I was sick a lot more during, and much more tired.  And like I said, she was much, much more active.  I had many bruises on my upper stomach, and very sore ribs by the end of my pregnancy.  So I was very anxious to get her out!  Her dad and I had been having our problems.  But that is another story.

So that night in the hospital, I was alone for a while.  Not knowing what was going to be coming, but preparing myself to become a mother of two. 

Early the next morning, the doctor came in, checked over the monitors asked how I was doing then said he would be right back.  Then a nurse came in, and started fumbling with things in the room here and there. I wasn't sure what was going on.  They didn't really tell me much of anything.  A bit later, the doctor came back in the room and said they had already contacted an anesthesiologist and as soon as he got back with them they were taking me into the OR for an emergency c-section.  I about passed out.  I didn't understand why, and the doctor and nurses didn't seem to interested in telling my more information.  He rushed out, and more nurses rushed in.  My husband wasn't there, so I frantically started to try to call people and get word to him to get back.  My oldest daughter was with my parents, so I knew they couldn't be there the whole time, they had to keep her.  Finally when one of the nurses and the doctor came back in to tell me it was time to go, I had to stop them mid-sentence and say "Hey wait a minute, what the hell is going on?"  They looked at me like Oh crap, we forgot to tell her.  The doctor finally sat down and told me.  "The baby's heart rate was dropping sporadically throughout the night.  It seemed to be doing okay early this morning, but then started doing it again, but now it is not coming back as quickly as before.  We think there is something wrong, and need to get it out as soon as possible. We can't wait any longer, everyone is ready, we just need to get you in there.  Don't worry though."  WHAT?  DON'T WORRY???  You just told me my baby is in trouble, I am alone, I have no idea where my husband is, and you are telling me not to worry???  I DON'T THINK SO!

Needless to say, my husband showed up just in the nick of time.  They took us to the OR, and began the procedure.  I was so terrified.  I was beyond terrified. I didn't know what to think. I laid there and cried the entire time.  I felt them tugging and pulling. I felt snapping and little sharp twinges here and there. I heard horrid sounds, but the one thing I didn't hear was a baby crying.  I could tell when they pulled her out. I heard them tell us it was a little girl. I waited, I waited, I waited. Still nothing.  What was taking so long. I could hear the nurses and doctors talking but couldn't make out what they were saying, because the only noise I was waiting to hear was not there.  Then suddenly, like a wolf howling at the moon in the middle of a winter night I heard her cry.  It was the most beautiful joyous sound I had ever heard in my life.  It wasn't as loud as I had hopped for. It was semi muffled.  But at least I heard it.  The nurses brought her over for the briefest of moments then whisked her away, with my husband in tow. 

While I was being sewed back together, my baby was taken to NICU. Thankfully she didn't have to stay there too long.  They wanted to do some tests and make sure she was okay, then she was taken to the regular nursery.  I didn't get to see her for a couple of hours after I was back in my room, that whole time I was so scared not knowing what was going on. Then my husband came in with her and finally I was able to hold her and find out what happened. 

It seems she was a little too active for my body. She managed to wrap the cord around her shoulder and neck, not once but twice, actually two and a half times.  That caused the lack of oxygen and heart rate drop.  But she was doing ok.  They were going to keep her in the nursery that night to watch her, then she was all mine!! 

I am so in love with this little girl!  12 years has gone by, and you could never tell she was such a difficult delivery!  She is the funniest person I know.  She handles things so well for her age. She is bright and intellectual when she wants to be, and tries to play dumb most of the time.  She is so special!  I love you and Happy Birthday baby girl!!

Fun little thing to do!  Just so happened this morning when I pulled my sons new shoes out of the box, my big cat came wondering around the corner to see what was going on.  He sat down and looked at me as if to say "Hey are you going to give me that there box??"  I put the box down on the floor and almost immediately grabbed my camera for this:

 Yep, that's right, he stuffed himself into a box for boy's size four shoes!  My funny, crazy, boxed obsessed cat!
Definitely a new take on the catbox!

I know I have talked about them so many times before. Especially her.  She is my pride. She is my joy. She is my first born.  I love them all the same.  No difference at all.  But with her, well I don't get to see her as much anymore.  And every time I do see her, I am just awed and amazed. She is so grown. She is so beautiful. She is so elegant. She is so my little girl, still.  I will always remember learning I was pregnant with her. I will never forget the first time I heard her heartbeat while she was still safe and secure in my tummy.  I will relive the memories of each and every birthday, but especially the first.  And as she grew, so did I.  As her age grew year by year, I watched my darling baby girl, turn into such a beautiful young lady.  She has been through so much, more than I ever would have wanted her too. But she has handled it so well. With so much maturity and grown decisions.  She has handled things better than most of the adults involved in the same situations.  She is so caring and comforting to those that should not depend on her for that kind of support. Yet she does it with a huge smile on her face, and more on her shoulders than any child or young adult should have to bear.  My darling girl.  You will always be my sweet angel.  You will always be part of me.  You may live 3000 miles away, but you are always and forever burned into my heart.  When you were a baby, sleeping all snuggled and warm laying next to me, in a dark room I told you secrets and prayers I have never uttered to a living soul.  You were the only person in the world I trusted.  I spent so many nights gazing at your precious face as you dreamed.  Those memories will live with me forever.  I love you.

Every moment we are able to spend together, I cherish more and more.











      Even if I do end up dragging you all over a cemetery to take photo's.  I need something to see how much you have grown!