How different life is when you don't have a job.

For so long it feels, I have had a job. Whether it be at a pistachio packing house, a private care home, or a major printing plant, they have still been jobs. Little part time and odds and ends jobs have also been mixed in there from time to time. I have liked all of my jobs. I really loved my last job, and even the one prior to. Alas, the story of my life happened again. And with all things I love, I had to give them up. Doesn't it just bite that you can't get rid of the things you dislike, but you can't keep the things you love?

Why is this?

Okay, so I know I was probably underpaid. I know I was probably taken advantage of in what I could do and my willingness to help others. But I also know that it was an awesome job. And the people I worked for and with were awesome people. They worked with me when my kids were sick. Let me leave early when we had sporting events or other kid related activities, and even when I didn't but just wanted to go home and spend some time with my family. They were very understanding when it came to personal things, and I just don't see many employers being that way. Those types of employers are hard to find.

Now, staying at home. There are things I want to do. I want to concentrate on my photography, I want to go back to school, I want to get a degree or certified to get a better job, or at least a better paying job. Then again, I miss the stability and schedule my life had prior to our move. I knew exactly what I was going to do everyday. What time I was going to get up, what needed to be done in the mornings before work, and what had to be done after work. For a long time it was very monotonous, yes I admit it. I think I got so used to it, that now when I have nothing to do, because I have done everything I need to before 10 am, and I find myself on the computer or watching t.v. I feel guilty. I feel guilty because suddenly I find myself completely supported by someone else, not able to support myself in any way what so ever. I feel guilty because I don't want to do any more laundry, or unpack any more boxes, yet these are things that need to be done. I feel guilty because I know he is at work and they are at school, yet I am here, in my pj's watching travel channel. What is wrong with me?

I don't think I am ready to go back to work yet. I still don't know my way around this strange new land yet, and I would need to find a daycare for both kids. School is expensive, and most of the courses I want to take are evening courses. Perfect for normal working adults, but not so perfect for a stay at home mom with a husband that rotates shifts at a retail store. Besides, am I really good enough to actually make any kind of money with my photography? I have been thinking more and more about massage therapy also. I love giving massages and making people feel better, but in 10 years are my hands still going to work?

Guess these are things I need to figure out.

Oh yeah, I am trying to quit smoking .... again.

It is freakin cold outside! I have vacationed where it snows, and used to go to the snow for the day when I was a kid. But the is just ridiculous. It snowed most of the day today, and is freezing out there tonight. Why do people want to live here? The one thing I am really looking forward to is the possibility of a not so hot summer... maybe??

We will see I guess!

So for the second time in 5 years, we have made a long distance move. I have given up another job, and disrupted my kids school lives. Given up a home that fit us pretty good, for one that, well, we definitely have to do some down-sizing for. And have to re-learn how to drive.. again.

I can't say that I terribly hate it. Yet, I can't say I am completely in love with it. While I sit here, looking around a house full of boxes, and what-nots. With the kids at school, the hubby at work, the cat trying for some unknown reason to get inside every cupboard, and waiting on a repairman who seems to not have any concept of time, I can't help but think "What will come next?"

Let me fill you in a little.
We moved to Georgia for many different reasons. My husband was completely miserable at his old job. We couldn't afford California. The drama levels were just ridiculously through the roof. The bullshit was waist high and growing. My family, for the most part was awesome, but like any family, had is hitches. We were broke. We were basically homeless, and had it not been for my wonderfully loving grandparents, we would have been. My mother was running me ragged. I could probably keep going, but I think you get the jest of it. I must admit, the job I had at that moment, wasn't paying the bills by any means. Though it had 99% potential to turn into something that very well could have paid the bills. Alas, being the obedient, loving wife I am. When my husband suggested the relocation to the southern part of the states, he put up a pretty good argument. And I being the ever pleasing natured person I am, but at the same time ready for the change myself, agreed. So after 3 agonizing months of having our family living on two separate sides of the continent, we all finally made it back together in GA. It was scary, but again it wasn't. I had been to GA before, a few times in fact, to visit. My biological father lives there, so I sort of new the area. A few months after moving, I landed a fairly decent job, with a temp service, but at a wonderful printing plant, where I met some of the best people I have ever met in my life. The sort of people that would give you the shirt off their backs before they even knew your name. The sort of people you don't think exist anymore. The sort of people I never knew in California. It was awesome.

I worked there for more than a year, then quit. My son was getting sick all the time at his daycare, and the bills just weren't getting paid the way they should have been, what with multiple car payments, daycare, other necessities and gas to drive the 22 miles one way to work, for both my husband and I. The math just didn't add up.

I was only out of work for a short time though, when by chance I happened to be back at that same printing plant, to visit some of the friends I had made, and was offered a permanent job with better pay!! Yippee!! I totally lucked into that one! But I was awesome at my job, I am a very quick study, and adapt easily. They knew that, and knew I was perfect for the job!

Things were going great. Hubby was at a store less than a half a mile from where I worked, and we were able to go to lunch together a lot. Then, I guess you could say I saw it coming. The same signs I had seen years earlier. He transferred back to a store he had been at previously, because he said he couldn't handle the monotony, and constant picking on that he got at the store he was in. Umm.. hello! You can dish it out, but you can't take it?! What's wrong with that? So he went back to the worst store in the district. Without talking to me about it, until the decision and confirmation had been completed. Okay, I can deal with that.. whatever.

That didn't last long though. He soon found out, it was worse than the other store. He again started to make comments, shortly after getting settled in at the store, that he was miserable, and needed to get out of there. I couldn't say anything though. I had tried to tell him, he was going to hate it, it wasn't going to be the same, and he would be miserable. But like almost all men, you can't tell them anything. It wouldn't have done any good anyway. And forget telling him "I told you so" Talk about WWIII. Nope just don't even broach the subject.

So a few months ago, he started talking about a possible transfer. When I asked him where, that was when he sprang it on me. Another state. Great. Another move, another house, another job, another school, another license, another license plate, another everything.

February 16th, 2005 move to Georgia. February 16th, 2010 move to Indiana. See the irony? Yep, so here I am. Quit my awesome, yet not well enough paying job, (yeah economy hit us hard in the printing industry, took a 10% paycut last year). Pulled the kids from there really good schools, and away from there friends. Left the house I thought we would not move from, and learning to drive in the snow. Cali girl, to Georgia girl, to Indiana Hoosier. Again I ask "What's next?"

The kids do like their schools here. This is their second day, and they have already began to make friends. The hubby seems to like his new store, for now. Me, well, packing, un-packing, cleaning, learning the lay of the land, no friends, no family, no job. It seems like the house will never be done. Nothing fits, things are broken, my hands are scraped and bruised. The cat is eternally pissed from the upset in his life, and I am just here. Life goes on. I miss California, but I think I miss Georgia more. Maybe one day I will say the same thing for Indiana. Although, this is the one place I said I would never live. Guess that teaches me to never say never. I did make it pointedly clear though, at one instance in time, that I did not want to live in Indiana, anywhere but Indiana. For many reasons. Yet this seems to be the one place he was destined to move us to. WTF??? So no matter how much I try to please everyone else, there is never anyone else that gives a rat's petootie about pleasing me. Whatever. I will make do. I will make the best of the situation I have found myself in. And I will survive.

I was told through a text message. Almost as bad as a "Dear John" letter. At first thought, not again. Then the anger stepped in.

When it was said in person, the pain didn't subside any at all. The reality of it all, came crashing in.

A long week of silence and avoiding the inevitable. Hurting to much to speak or laugh.

Then Friday. Last day together. Facing the fact that the one person I have grown the most with, was about to walk out of my life, for what seems like forever.

I worked only 4 hours that day. Then took the two little ones to a friends to spend the night. She and I had an appointment to go to. All was well, and much needed information was found out, in order to attempt to make the transition as easy as possible. Fearing that no matter what, the effort, time and money we have put in, is about to all be wasted due to stupid selfish reasons. After the appointment, hunger set in. Not saying a word, Taco Bell was the stop. Only one single sentence was spoken.."what do you want?" We sat together at a table. Not looking at each other, not speaking at all. Shoving food into our mouths, in an attempt to not feel the need to break the cold silence between us. Not sure what the other was thinking. Not sure of life anymore.

How could this be happening? Why can't I just slap her and make her see what is going to happen? How can she not understand what she is doing to us? What is the point anymore?

None of it matters.

Later that evening, the blow up. Finally all the pent up anger and emotions come flooding out. Uncontrollably. Praying I don't say anything I will later regret, but to no avail. Apologizing for something I have not done. Not wanting it to end this way.

The disappointments are bound to happen, and she learned that quickly the following morning. I was almost pleased, "good, let her see now what she is asking for"

Carrying her boxes out to the truck, I couldn't look at her, or offer to help. Why should I make this easy?

Finally the time has come. Silence is no longer an option. Goodbye must be faced. What do I say? Good luck.. No, I don't want you to have good luck, I want you to be completely miserable, I want you to hate it more there than you ever thought you did here. I want your life to be as hard, no harder than you even thought possible while living under the roof of those that love you.... STOP. I am her mother, I can't want these things. I want you to be safe. I want you to think really hard before you do things. Don't do anything stupid. Know I will always be here, and know that no matter what, I will always love you unconditionally. Take care, send me your address and phone number when you get there. Make sure you go see all the grandparents. Don't go. Don't break my heart like this. Stay my best friend, my first born child, my joker, my muse. Be safe. I love you my darling daughter. I can't face this anymore. I will see you at Christmas.

How sad. I have been thinking and thinking for the last month or two, I really need to blog. But I am suffering from a severe case of writers block. Really sucks too, cause my sister just put out a blog that raved about my writing skills.. I cried, yes I did! She is so awesome. And now, I can't write.. ahhh...

I will soon!

Whoa, definitely been a while since my last blog. Not really my fault though. I honestly did try to post a blog from California last week, but my iPod touch messed up and it didn't work. So, I will do it now, that I have a spare minute or two. Although this will probably take longer than that!

So, yeah that's right, my hubby shocked the living crap out of me, and gave me a totally cool Valentines gift, and iPod Touch. It is frickin cool! Had no idea it was coming either, guess that's why they call them surprises huh?! I love it! He said he got it for me to take on the trip to Cali, so that they boy and I could watch movies and whatnot, but it is still cool!!

I have been to Cali and back since the last time I blogged also, (if you couldnt tell already) Went for my sisters wedding. It was beautiful! Had a fabulous time also. Got to see the family again, and took the boy with me, so they all got to see him also. Which has been a while since the last time they all saw him. So it was a good thing.

Brought my mother in law home for a visit, could be good, could be not so good. So far hasnt been bad bad. But not great either. Ok, so that doesnt make any sense.

The band had an awesome show tonight!! Yeah them!! The rock so good! The Backyard had a good crowd too. It is a great place to play! The mother in law enjoyed herself too!

Well, I wanted to make this longer and go into more detail, but blogger is acting stupid and not letting me use the proper punctuation, so now I am just going to go.

Nite all!

Geeze apparently it has been almost a month since my last blog. So I have a lot of catching up to do!

Well, lets see. My oldest baby, had her first formal!! She was drop-dead gorgeous!! As you can see!!

Unfortunately, the loser that invited her, didn't even have the decency to show up. Yep that's right, she got stood up. But I was so proud of her, she stayed and had an absolutely FABULOUS!! time. She proved that you don't have to have a boy around to have fun!! You go girl!

On a side note: She almost got suspended from school the following Monday, for darn near breaking the guys nose!! More points for my not-so-baby-baby girl!!!








Since I am on the subject of my beauty! She also got braces during the past month. They were put on, on Thursday, the 19th of February. She was just as anxious, excited and scared as I was. (And not for all the same reasons!) I don't mind writing large dollar amount checks for bills, house payments, car payments and such, but to have to write a check for that large of an amount for something that is going in someone's mouth, is just down right nerve-wracking!! Fortunately I didn't have to write it, daddy did! Well, the hubby wrote it to be more technically specific. "Daddy" could send a single penny to help with fixing his oldest childs teeth, NO, "daddy" had to get a new tattoo, that he conned some poor mis-guided soul into paying for, then lied to everyone else about how it was paid for. And all only two days after I called him, knowing he wouldn't any way, but did it just to say I did, and asked him if he could send something to help with the down payment for J's braces. The monthly's I can handle, no problemo. But that down payment is the one that nearly gave us hives. Now, dont' get me wrong, by any means, SHE IS TOTALLY WORTH EVERY CENT. And no tattoo is more important then her self-esteem, and dental health and well-being! Unfortunatley the other person in her life doesn't seem to see things that way.


So, T and I leave in only a matter of days, to fly out to The Land Of Fruits and Nuts, as my friends from the South like to call it!! For those of you a little lost, we are flying to California. My baby sister, well only sister for that matter, is getting married! Yeah her!! I have met him, and he is very nice. I believe I have written about him and them before.
The big day is one week from today, I hope she is nervous!! But I am excited and can't wait. Now this is going to sound bad, I am really excited for them, really! Starting a new life together, is a fabulous thing, I remember how I felt when Hubby and I made it all official. It just gives you that little bounce in your step.
But what I am really excited about is seeing my family. I know I just saw them a matter of months ago, but this time I will have my little boy with me. They have not seen him in a few years. I can't wait for Big Pa to see him, and grandma and grandpa. I so still harbour some regrets about moving to Georgia. Mostly they all lie around having taken the grandkids away from those three people I just mentioned. I know my sister and my cousins will eventually have children and there will be other grandkids, but my were first, and so far are the only. And T was just getting to that age where he was getting really cool, not all about food and poo and crying and such, but starting to do things, now he is a terd, but still very cool, and I just up and moved him away from everyone. I feel bad about that mostly. Although they all understand why we did it, and that is has been the best decision Hubby and I have ever made.

So I am totally stoked about that, and my mother in law is coming home with me for a few weeks. Which is not totally bad, not at all. I get along great with her!! I love her to death, and she is really excited about coming out, she hasn't been out here since right after we moved from Cali, and not at all since we moved into the new house. Can't wait!

Well, I guess I should cut this update a little short. It is Saturday morning, I am leaving in 4 days and will be gone for 5, leaving my teenager daughter, my 10 year old drama queen and my husband all alone, with my house, for that time.. Okay now I am scared.. what will I come home to??? Will the house be standing?

Gotta go clean for the next 4 days! Love to all!

P.S. Will have awesome pics of my little man in slacks and a tie!! Soon!