I had my financial aide appointment and finalization meeting at the college today. Everything is set, my schedule is done, my loans are approved, my plans are in motion. So why am I so scared to death? I think the biggest question is, as would be with any major life changing decision, have I made the right decision? Is this really going to be the right path I should be taking now?

A week ago I was absolutely positive this was where I wanted to be, this is what I want to do. Of course all of the encouraging words from my family and friends have played a major part in it also. I believe what everyone says, or at least I want too. I know I can do this, if I focus. I know the next couple of years are going to be really hard. I can only do a few classes a semester right now, due in part to the kids schedules, and the financial situation. So it will take longer than I had hoped. I truly do think in the long run, that this will be what is best for us. It will help me to obtain a better job, that will help to secure our financial future. Then why am I so scared to death?

I think seeing the money involved has gotten me pretty scared. I am applying for grants and scholarships, and have loans set up to carry me through the first 3 semesters. Then I will have to reapply for more loans, and try for more scholarships and grants. Meaning more money to pay back. I know the payments will be okay, especially since I don't have to start repaying until after I graduate. After graduating I will have a degree and the skills to get a better paying job to help knock those loans out. Then why am I so scared to death?

Will my kids really understand when I can't be here to get them on the bus every single morning? Will my family understand when they have to throw some microwave burritos in for dinner because mom is doing homework? Will my husband really be as supportive as he says he will? Will he really understand when I am too tired to rub his hands or make him a midnight snack, because I have done the household chores, the mommy stuff, my own school stuff, and the kids school stuff as well? Will they understand when the house isn't pristine or the laundry has piled up a little to much? Maybe that is why I am so scared to death.


I am scared of failure. I am scared of losing more than I have. I am scared of being overwhelmed and feeling like I am losing control. I am scared that maybe I am really not as smart as I think I am, and it will all be too much. I am scared to death.

Maybe I have not made a good decision. But it is a decision I will stick with, and stick behind. I will be my biggest supporter. Just as I have supported my husband with all of the decisions that have been made for our family. Even if I don't get the same support back. I will show my children that it is never too late to do something important. I will show them that I can still be Super Mom while getting a college education. I will prove to everyone that thought I would never do anything important and meaningful with my life that they were wrong. Just as I did before, I will again. I will finish this with my head held high, and my best foot forward. I will do everything in my power to make this work and make this a good thing. I will study harder than I ever have before, and focus on everything detail of everything in school and out. I WILL SUCCEED!

Then why am I scared to death?

Attempted a new recipe tonight. Something I found online. Was nervous, first off because, I have never even eaten Quiche before.. now I am going to attempt to make it..what is wrong with me?? Second, I am still getting used to my kitchen, and re-learning to cook with a gas stove and oven.. probably not the best time to try something completely new!!

Anyway.. dinner turned out awesome! Well, anyway I thought it was. I guess hubby thought so too, and the daughter unit said she liked it. The son unit, well okay, he is seven, so he doesn't like anything that is not on a stick, dipped in batter and deep fried, or flat, round and topped with cheese and pepperoni. Not a big deal if he really didn't care for it, but he did seem to like it. At least he ate it. Only took both of them about 45 minutes to choke it all down! The hubby did go back for seconds, I was afraid it was simply cause he wanted me to think he liked it, he did have a few comments about some of the ingredients, thus is the reason I didn't tell him what ALL of the ingredients were!!! Smart huh!

So here are a few pics, yes he told me the same thing. I am completely weird to take pictures of food, but hey, They were great! I am damn proud of myself! And I loved them! So meh!!!

Not too bad looking huh?!?!

Okay, so I had some issues with the edges, the topping kept spilling out when I was trying to pour it on, so I got innovative with the foil!


Doesn't matter. They really were awesome! Looked pretty and tasted great! Got to try more new recipes!!

Oh, what a life, the life of a cat! I think I would like to come back as a cat in my next life! Although that is taking a huge chance, since some cats don't have such a great life.

My cat on the other hand... Well see for yourself!



Oh so lazy!




Oh so tired!



Killer!



RAWR!!






Claws of Steel!



"You shall bow before me and call me master!"

Why is it that good dreams, are just that, very dream like? But nightmares, and night terrors.. are more real than real life?

I don't know where I am going with this. All I know is that for the last several nights, I have had some very excruciatingly horrid dreams. So real and life like that I have woken up only to tears streaming down my face, and feeling exactly as I did while I was still asleep, but not quite sure if I was really asleep and questioning if it didn't really happen. Those are so disturbing. So scary, so real. How come I can't dream a wonderful dream, and wake up feeling that good?

Okay, well I will go for now. Just wanted to put this down.

Unfortunately I have spent more than a moment on this. This is the end though. No more time will I waste worrying. Not another minute will I squander with the unanswerable questions. No more tears will I shed with the memories that do not exist, and the feelings that should have been. This is your last ounce of being in my mind. Yes, you will always lurk around in the darkness, but not by my own elective, but merely because without you there would be no me. That is all I am giving you. That is all you deserve.

In your mind, if you were ever to read this, you would think I am being completely irrational and unforgiving. That I am being an insensitive bitch, just like my mother. In your eyes, you will think that all you have ever done for me is good things. That you have bent over backwards and forwards, and given me the world. That you helped my family when we had nothing else, and that you are the most passionate caring person in the world. Guess again.

We did not need a place to live, the one we had was working just fine for us, and we managed quite well. We only took your offer because we thought maybe one day we would be able to purchase the land from you. As I had told you before though, our credit is not the greatest in the world. Especially not right after we moved into the house, yes, we got behind on some things and ran into some trouble. Over the last few years though, we have been recovering, and even started getting a little bit ahead again. For you though, we hurt ourselves. We attempted to gain a mortgage, and get approved for loans we knew we would not be able to get approved for, only hurting our credit that we had been trying so hard to salvage even more. You did not see that though. All you could see was what your wife wanted to tell you. It did not matter to you that we were trying, it did not matter to you that you were the one that approached us about the living arrangement. It did not matter to you that the so called "deal" was all you. We were not the ones that said "Okay, we are going to live here, and this is how much we are going to pay monthly until the time that we can either buy it outright or it is paid off." No you and she were the ones that set all those rules. Yet, three years later, what was it that you said.. "we need to sell it to get out from under it" What, did all the renovations to your new home cost a little more than you bargained for, or did you just go beyond your means? Oh wait, I know what it was, it was the cost of repairing a 4 foot section of floor in the laundry room of the house you were renting to your child and grandchildren due to the faulty heating unit that was already in said rental that leaked. Never mind that your child paid for some of it also, and did some of the work, and was without the means of doing laundry in said house, therefore requiring your child to spend money by going to a laundromat. Yes, yes that must have been it, because surely new granite counters, having your porch painted, having your walls painted, a swimming pool, a deck, a hot tub, new granite tiles, new bathrooms, new furniture, new t.v.'s etc. etc... are so much cheaper than a $300 repair job on a floor in a mobile home.
So thank you. Thank you for letting your wife spend more than you could afford, therefore reneging on a verbal contract between you and your DAUGHTER.

Thank you for showing my children what a grandfather is supposed to be like. I know how hard you tried to be involved in their lives, what with living 8 minutes away and all. With having to drive nearly right passed the house everyday, but without the ability to stop in and say hi. Although, it was pretty simple for you to stop by twice, or was it three times, in the same week when you ex-wife, my mother, was at my house for a visit. Then asking me not to mention it to your new wife, because well, she just wouldn't have understood. Yes, I can see how difficult that was for you. I can see how horrifyingly excruciating it was to know that your grandchildren wanted so much to know their grandfather, but always seeming to have the perfect excuses for not finding the time to say hello. Thank you for the 3 times that you did let the kids come over and stay the night in the five years we lived in the same state. I know that was asking a lot of you, so I must admit, you should have earned the grandparent of the year award there. It was ever so nice of you to allow us to come over for the handful of holidays that we were actually extended an invitation. Because I know what slobs we are, and how useless we are. Unlike your wife's family, you cannot trust us, because we steel and lie. I really am astonished that you let us in your house. I mean, how can we be trusted not to tear everything up in your house, and not to make gawd awful messes then leave without the thought of offering to help clean up. And heaven forbid that we invite ourselves over to your house, along with our inconsiderate friends to leave trash all over your yard and pool, because we have done that so many times.

I understand the relationship you and I had. Not knowing each other while I was growing up. Listening to all the excuses like the distance and my mother keeping us apart. I knew those were excuses my whole life. I always knew that if a father wanted to see his daughter, then nothing should stand in his way. No matter how cowardly he was or how frightening she was. So when those excuses were no longer viable, I was not surprised that nothing changed. Although secretly I had hoped and prayed that you might make more of an effort for your grandchildren. The only grandchildren you have and will ever have. I was not surprised when each time the kids asked to come stay the night, or to see you it was always up to your wife. You had to see if your wife gave you permission to be involved in your grandchildrens lives. Yep, way to go dad. And you wonder why they were hesitant to hug you, umm they didn't know you. They don't know you any more than I do. Due to all of this, when I was given a choice to move again, uproot my family again, and move to another state where I knew no-one, I took it. I had nothing keeping me where I was, no family to speak of, and as I had just found out, was about to lose my home because I couldn't buy it. Why should I have stayed. And I did notice how broke up you were about it. So upset by us moving you couldn't even walk the 10 feet to the car to give your grandchildren a hug good-bye, not knowing when or if you would see them again.

Yes, yes, you protected yourself thoughtfully. You were right to push us out of your life. To not watch your grandchildren grow up. To keep that careful distance away from the ruffian that claims to be your family. I would hate to haven taken full advantage of you, by lying to you about any intentions for coming into your home, or have to misled you to get money. It would have been painful for me to attempt to keep you updated on our lives, and to be so callous to think you might not care about anything we were doing.

How stupid of me to want to try to impress my father. How stupid of me to think that a relationship with you might have been possible after so long without one. How stupid of me to give a damn about you, since you obviously don't give one about me. I have worried about you too long. I have cried to many times in wonderment about what I have done to you to make you dislike me so. I have, for all my life, questioned why I exist, since I apparently wasn't what either of my parents wanted. Now I know. I exist for those that love me and want to know me. I exist for those that want to be a part of my life because I have touched their lives in such a positive way. I feel sorry for you that you never gave that a chance. I feel sorry for you that you never gave me a chance. I am not a bad person. I am quite different than you or her. But you will never know that. You will never know my capabilities, or the potential that I have. You will never know my children. I do not owe you anything. Keep your money, because I know that is what your wife tells you I want, and the only thing I want. Well, I don't need it, never have. I do not owe you an update, or even a phone call. You could just as well call me if you truly cared. But you won't. My children do not owe you anything. You do not owe us anything. From this day on, much like the rest of your family, I will not bend over backwards to contact you. I will not worry about impressing you, and I will not shed a tear for not having you in my life. This is it. Good-bye.

Yeppers, that's right. All the boxes except for one or two, are now out in the garage, or gone. Unfortunately, I can't find a dang thing.

There are things I know were packed and brought, but can't seem to locate their whereabouts, which means they are out in the outer regions of the great unknown sometimes referred to as our garage. What is really funny about the whole situation is.. Well first of all, I wanted to take my time, unpack each box slowly and find a proper new home for each of it's contents. Yes, this would have been time consuming, but honestly, what else have I got to do with my oh so precious time these days? Unfortunately my ever so impatient, yet always insisting he has the patience of a walrus, husband was bound and determined to get all the boxes out as quickly as possible, even if they still contained items useful in our daily lives. (Books and papers and such that haven't been used in quite some time anyway, I can understand being stored away. But towels, sheets and what-nots.. ummm where's the sense in that?) So the funny part is now, HE can't find half of HIS things he WANTS, say the foot pedal for his keyboard. Yet, WE can't find half of the things we NEED, say the scoop for the cat litter. I really don't want to smell kitty litter everyday all day, and watch the poor cat cross his legs and stare longing at the cat box for the chance to be able to squat in peace and cleanliness! Poor kitty. There are other things too. And for the life of me, I can't seem to rationalize the need to spend money on things we already own, but don't have the time to go mountain climbing and scavenging through the great abyss for these things, because of the a fore mentioned situation with said kitty! Time is running out, and kitty is losing control! Off to Wal-Mart, so kitty can take a nice clean dump (contradiction in terms I guess!)

Will update on the progress.

Oh, the reason for this blog in the beginning, Yes the boxes are out.. the house is really looking good!!

How different life is when you don't have a job.

For so long it feels, I have had a job. Whether it be at a pistachio packing house, a private care home, or a major printing plant, they have still been jobs. Little part time and odds and ends jobs have also been mixed in there from time to time. I have liked all of my jobs. I really loved my last job, and even the one prior to. Alas, the story of my life happened again. And with all things I love, I had to give them up. Doesn't it just bite that you can't get rid of the things you dislike, but you can't keep the things you love?

Why is this?

Okay, so I know I was probably underpaid. I know I was probably taken advantage of in what I could do and my willingness to help others. But I also know that it was an awesome job. And the people I worked for and with were awesome people. They worked with me when my kids were sick. Let me leave early when we had sporting events or other kid related activities, and even when I didn't but just wanted to go home and spend some time with my family. They were very understanding when it came to personal things, and I just don't see many employers being that way. Those types of employers are hard to find.

Now, staying at home. There are things I want to do. I want to concentrate on my photography, I want to go back to school, I want to get a degree or certified to get a better job, or at least a better paying job. Then again, I miss the stability and schedule my life had prior to our move. I knew exactly what I was going to do everyday. What time I was going to get up, what needed to be done in the mornings before work, and what had to be done after work. For a long time it was very monotonous, yes I admit it. I think I got so used to it, that now when I have nothing to do, because I have done everything I need to before 10 am, and I find myself on the computer or watching t.v. I feel guilty. I feel guilty because suddenly I find myself completely supported by someone else, not able to support myself in any way what so ever. I feel guilty because I don't want to do any more laundry, or unpack any more boxes, yet these are things that need to be done. I feel guilty because I know he is at work and they are at school, yet I am here, in my pj's watching travel channel. What is wrong with me?

I don't think I am ready to go back to work yet. I still don't know my way around this strange new land yet, and I would need to find a daycare for both kids. School is expensive, and most of the courses I want to take are evening courses. Perfect for normal working adults, but not so perfect for a stay at home mom with a husband that rotates shifts at a retail store. Besides, am I really good enough to actually make any kind of money with my photography? I have been thinking more and more about massage therapy also. I love giving massages and making people feel better, but in 10 years are my hands still going to work?

Guess these are things I need to figure out.

Oh yeah, I am trying to quit smoking .... again.