Dear Daddy,

It has been six years since you left us. Six long years since we have heard your voice, or listened to your music. Six years since we laughed with you and six years since we heard you say "I love you" Everyday I think about you. Almost as often do the kids ask about you or talk about you in some way or another.  I still find myself momentarily yearning to call you to ask you for a recipe, for advice, or even to just hear how your day was. 
So much has happened in the last six years. But I have only one thing I want to tell you about right now.

The reason I am writing this now, is because of your granddaughter.  She is learning to play the guitar and that has been wonderful and sad for me.  I see her sitting here, watch her playing and listen to the beautiful music she is strumming and can't help but see you sitting right behind her. Guiding her hands, fanning her passion and whispering the correct strumming technique or even notes in her ear.  She is trying so hard to learn as much as she can.  She craves more and more.  She loves playing, and I love listening.


When I was a child, even as I grew into an adult. My most favorite past time would be to sit and watch you play your guitar.  I could sit and be mesmerized for hours on end watching you. It didn't matter what you played most of the time I was happy even watching you just change strings and tune. Because I was watching you, to me, work magic.  The sounds you could make come out of those guitars was amazing to me.  I could never get something that beautiful sounding to come out of anything.



But she... she has it.  She has you. She can make magical sounds, and wonderful music. Even if she only knows 3 chords.  She experiments, and is not afraid. She strums and has no cares. She doesn't worry about how it sounds. She doesn't worry about making mistakes.  She plays.  That is how I know you are right behind her, guiding her little hands and big heart to where they need to be.  She is so like you, I can't get over it.

Tonight she tried teaching me.  We got out the other guitar, and I attempted to play.  I haven't tried in so long.  Too afraid.  But she talked me into it. She is such a wonderful teacher.  She actually got me to produce music! It sounded great, as long as she was playing with me.  She has begun writing, or anyway has been playing something she created herself.  Dad, I so wish you could hear this. I know you can, but I wish you could sit with us, on the edge of the bed, in a room lit by a small lamp with the cat laying in one corner and play. Listen and enjoy. Help add too, and give your advice.  Dad, I miss you so much.  I had to lay the guitar down for you.  To picture you walking in and taking it in your hands and start playing right along with her.  Because I know how you could listen to something once and be able to play it like a pro.

 Dad, I know you are proud of her. I know you are proud of us all. I only wish I could hear you say it.  I wish I could see it on your face. I wish she could see it.  I wish they could have gotten to know you so much more than they did.  I may sound selfish, but I don't care.
















I can see your face.  I can hear your voice. I wonder if you have your hands over hers? Are you sitting here with her.  I like to believe all that I wrote before, and believe you are.  She is so wonderful.










If only...

Dad, we miss you as much now, as the day it happened.  Daddy, we love you. Daddy, I love you.

Your daughter

Exactly 12 years ago this minute, (California time) I was being told, and quickly prepared, that I would be having an emergency c-section for my second child.  We had gone to the hospital the night before, because I had been having some contractions.  The contractions weren't enough to consider me being in full labor, but since they were going to induce me soon, they decided to keep me overnight and monitor me. Most likely to be induced the next day, after my doctor would come to check on me. 

During the night however, and much to my un-knowing at the time.  My babies heart rate dropped several times.  My blood pressure also went down.  The nurses at the time didn't feel the need to worry me about it, and since it would come back up relatively quickly after dropping, they didn't see the need to wake my doctor. 

My baby girl was a very active baby while I was pregnant with her.  I had a much more difficult pregnancy with her, than I had with my first.  I was sick a lot more during, and much more tired.  And like I said, she was much, much more active.  I had many bruises on my upper stomach, and very sore ribs by the end of my pregnancy.  So I was very anxious to get her out!  Her dad and I had been having our problems.  But that is another story.

So that night in the hospital, I was alone for a while.  Not knowing what was going to be coming, but preparing myself to become a mother of two. 

Early the next morning, the doctor came in, checked over the monitors asked how I was doing then said he would be right back.  Then a nurse came in, and started fumbling with things in the room here and there. I wasn't sure what was going on.  They didn't really tell me much of anything.  A bit later, the doctor came back in the room and said they had already contacted an anesthesiologist and as soon as he got back with them they were taking me into the OR for an emergency c-section.  I about passed out.  I didn't understand why, and the doctor and nurses didn't seem to interested in telling my more information.  He rushed out, and more nurses rushed in.  My husband wasn't there, so I frantically started to try to call people and get word to him to get back.  My oldest daughter was with my parents, so I knew they couldn't be there the whole time, they had to keep her.  Finally when one of the nurses and the doctor came back in to tell me it was time to go, I had to stop them mid-sentence and say "Hey wait a minute, what the hell is going on?"  They looked at me like Oh crap, we forgot to tell her.  The doctor finally sat down and told me.  "The baby's heart rate was dropping sporadically throughout the night.  It seemed to be doing okay early this morning, but then started doing it again, but now it is not coming back as quickly as before.  We think there is something wrong, and need to get it out as soon as possible. We can't wait any longer, everyone is ready, we just need to get you in there.  Don't worry though."  WHAT?  DON'T WORRY???  You just told me my baby is in trouble, I am alone, I have no idea where my husband is, and you are telling me not to worry???  I DON'T THINK SO!

Needless to say, my husband showed up just in the nick of time.  They took us to the OR, and began the procedure.  I was so terrified.  I was beyond terrified. I didn't know what to think. I laid there and cried the entire time.  I felt them tugging and pulling. I felt snapping and little sharp twinges here and there. I heard horrid sounds, but the one thing I didn't hear was a baby crying.  I could tell when they pulled her out. I heard them tell us it was a little girl. I waited, I waited, I waited. Still nothing.  What was taking so long. I could hear the nurses and doctors talking but couldn't make out what they were saying, because the only noise I was waiting to hear was not there.  Then suddenly, like a wolf howling at the moon in the middle of a winter night I heard her cry.  It was the most beautiful joyous sound I had ever heard in my life.  It wasn't as loud as I had hopped for. It was semi muffled.  But at least I heard it.  The nurses brought her over for the briefest of moments then whisked her away, with my husband in tow. 

While I was being sewed back together, my baby was taken to NICU. Thankfully she didn't have to stay there too long.  They wanted to do some tests and make sure she was okay, then she was taken to the regular nursery.  I didn't get to see her for a couple of hours after I was back in my room, that whole time I was so scared not knowing what was going on. Then my husband came in with her and finally I was able to hold her and find out what happened. 

It seems she was a little too active for my body. She managed to wrap the cord around her shoulder and neck, not once but twice, actually two and a half times.  That caused the lack of oxygen and heart rate drop.  But she was doing ok.  They were going to keep her in the nursery that night to watch her, then she was all mine!! 

I am so in love with this little girl!  12 years has gone by, and you could never tell she was such a difficult delivery!  She is the funniest person I know.  She handles things so well for her age. She is bright and intellectual when she wants to be, and tries to play dumb most of the time.  She is so special!  I love you and Happy Birthday baby girl!!