Dear Daddy,

It has been six years since you left us. Six long years since we have heard your voice, or listened to your music. Six years since we laughed with you and six years since we heard you say "I love you" Everyday I think about you. Almost as often do the kids ask about you or talk about you in some way or another.  I still find myself momentarily yearning to call you to ask you for a recipe, for advice, or even to just hear how your day was. 
So much has happened in the last six years. But I have only one thing I want to tell you about right now.

The reason I am writing this now, is because of your granddaughter.  She is learning to play the guitar and that has been wonderful and sad for me.  I see her sitting here, watch her playing and listen to the beautiful music she is strumming and can't help but see you sitting right behind her. Guiding her hands, fanning her passion and whispering the correct strumming technique or even notes in her ear.  She is trying so hard to learn as much as she can.  She craves more and more.  She loves playing, and I love listening.


When I was a child, even as I grew into an adult. My most favorite past time would be to sit and watch you play your guitar.  I could sit and be mesmerized for hours on end watching you. It didn't matter what you played most of the time I was happy even watching you just change strings and tune. Because I was watching you, to me, work magic.  The sounds you could make come out of those guitars was amazing to me.  I could never get something that beautiful sounding to come out of anything.



But she... she has it.  She has you. She can make magical sounds, and wonderful music. Even if she only knows 3 chords.  She experiments, and is not afraid. She strums and has no cares. She doesn't worry about how it sounds. She doesn't worry about making mistakes.  She plays.  That is how I know you are right behind her, guiding her little hands and big heart to where they need to be.  She is so like you, I can't get over it.

Tonight she tried teaching me.  We got out the other guitar, and I attempted to play.  I haven't tried in so long.  Too afraid.  But she talked me into it. She is such a wonderful teacher.  She actually got me to produce music! It sounded great, as long as she was playing with me.  She has begun writing, or anyway has been playing something she created herself.  Dad, I so wish you could hear this. I know you can, but I wish you could sit with us, on the edge of the bed, in a room lit by a small lamp with the cat laying in one corner and play. Listen and enjoy. Help add too, and give your advice.  Dad, I miss you so much.  I had to lay the guitar down for you.  To picture you walking in and taking it in your hands and start playing right along with her.  Because I know how you could listen to something once and be able to play it like a pro.

 Dad, I know you are proud of her. I know you are proud of us all. I only wish I could hear you say it.  I wish I could see it on your face. I wish she could see it.  I wish they could have gotten to know you so much more than they did.  I may sound selfish, but I don't care.
















I can see your face.  I can hear your voice. I wonder if you have your hands over hers? Are you sitting here with her.  I like to believe all that I wrote before, and believe you are.  She is so wonderful.










If only...

Dad, we miss you as much now, as the day it happened.  Daddy, we love you. Daddy, I love you.

Your daughter

Exactly 12 years ago this minute, (California time) I was being told, and quickly prepared, that I would be having an emergency c-section for my second child.  We had gone to the hospital the night before, because I had been having some contractions.  The contractions weren't enough to consider me being in full labor, but since they were going to induce me soon, they decided to keep me overnight and monitor me. Most likely to be induced the next day, after my doctor would come to check on me. 

During the night however, and much to my un-knowing at the time.  My babies heart rate dropped several times.  My blood pressure also went down.  The nurses at the time didn't feel the need to worry me about it, and since it would come back up relatively quickly after dropping, they didn't see the need to wake my doctor. 

My baby girl was a very active baby while I was pregnant with her.  I had a much more difficult pregnancy with her, than I had with my first.  I was sick a lot more during, and much more tired.  And like I said, she was much, much more active.  I had many bruises on my upper stomach, and very sore ribs by the end of my pregnancy.  So I was very anxious to get her out!  Her dad and I had been having our problems.  But that is another story.

So that night in the hospital, I was alone for a while.  Not knowing what was going to be coming, but preparing myself to become a mother of two. 

Early the next morning, the doctor came in, checked over the monitors asked how I was doing then said he would be right back.  Then a nurse came in, and started fumbling with things in the room here and there. I wasn't sure what was going on.  They didn't really tell me much of anything.  A bit later, the doctor came back in the room and said they had already contacted an anesthesiologist and as soon as he got back with them they were taking me into the OR for an emergency c-section.  I about passed out.  I didn't understand why, and the doctor and nurses didn't seem to interested in telling my more information.  He rushed out, and more nurses rushed in.  My husband wasn't there, so I frantically started to try to call people and get word to him to get back.  My oldest daughter was with my parents, so I knew they couldn't be there the whole time, they had to keep her.  Finally when one of the nurses and the doctor came back in to tell me it was time to go, I had to stop them mid-sentence and say "Hey wait a minute, what the hell is going on?"  They looked at me like Oh crap, we forgot to tell her.  The doctor finally sat down and told me.  "The baby's heart rate was dropping sporadically throughout the night.  It seemed to be doing okay early this morning, but then started doing it again, but now it is not coming back as quickly as before.  We think there is something wrong, and need to get it out as soon as possible. We can't wait any longer, everyone is ready, we just need to get you in there.  Don't worry though."  WHAT?  DON'T WORRY???  You just told me my baby is in trouble, I am alone, I have no idea where my husband is, and you are telling me not to worry???  I DON'T THINK SO!

Needless to say, my husband showed up just in the nick of time.  They took us to the OR, and began the procedure.  I was so terrified.  I was beyond terrified. I didn't know what to think. I laid there and cried the entire time.  I felt them tugging and pulling. I felt snapping and little sharp twinges here and there. I heard horrid sounds, but the one thing I didn't hear was a baby crying.  I could tell when they pulled her out. I heard them tell us it was a little girl. I waited, I waited, I waited. Still nothing.  What was taking so long. I could hear the nurses and doctors talking but couldn't make out what they were saying, because the only noise I was waiting to hear was not there.  Then suddenly, like a wolf howling at the moon in the middle of a winter night I heard her cry.  It was the most beautiful joyous sound I had ever heard in my life.  It wasn't as loud as I had hopped for. It was semi muffled.  But at least I heard it.  The nurses brought her over for the briefest of moments then whisked her away, with my husband in tow. 

While I was being sewed back together, my baby was taken to NICU. Thankfully she didn't have to stay there too long.  They wanted to do some tests and make sure she was okay, then she was taken to the regular nursery.  I didn't get to see her for a couple of hours after I was back in my room, that whole time I was so scared not knowing what was going on. Then my husband came in with her and finally I was able to hold her and find out what happened. 

It seems she was a little too active for my body. She managed to wrap the cord around her shoulder and neck, not once but twice, actually two and a half times.  That caused the lack of oxygen and heart rate drop.  But she was doing ok.  They were going to keep her in the nursery that night to watch her, then she was all mine!! 

I am so in love with this little girl!  12 years has gone by, and you could never tell she was such a difficult delivery!  She is the funniest person I know.  She handles things so well for her age. She is bright and intellectual when she wants to be, and tries to play dumb most of the time.  She is so special!  I love you and Happy Birthday baby girl!!

Fun little thing to do!  Just so happened this morning when I pulled my sons new shoes out of the box, my big cat came wondering around the corner to see what was going on.  He sat down and looked at me as if to say "Hey are you going to give me that there box??"  I put the box down on the floor and almost immediately grabbed my camera for this:

 Yep, that's right, he stuffed himself into a box for boy's size four shoes!  My funny, crazy, boxed obsessed cat!
Definitely a new take on the catbox!

I know I have talked about them so many times before. Especially her.  She is my pride. She is my joy. She is my first born.  I love them all the same.  No difference at all.  But with her, well I don't get to see her as much anymore.  And every time I do see her, I am just awed and amazed. She is so grown. She is so beautiful. She is so elegant. She is so my little girl, still.  I will always remember learning I was pregnant with her. I will never forget the first time I heard her heartbeat while she was still safe and secure in my tummy.  I will relive the memories of each and every birthday, but especially the first.  And as she grew, so did I.  As her age grew year by year, I watched my darling baby girl, turn into such a beautiful young lady.  She has been through so much, more than I ever would have wanted her too. But she has handled it so well. With so much maturity and grown decisions.  She has handled things better than most of the adults involved in the same situations.  She is so caring and comforting to those that should not depend on her for that kind of support. Yet she does it with a huge smile on her face, and more on her shoulders than any child or young adult should have to bear.  My darling girl.  You will always be my sweet angel.  You will always be part of me.  You may live 3000 miles away, but you are always and forever burned into my heart.  When you were a baby, sleeping all snuggled and warm laying next to me, in a dark room I told you secrets and prayers I have never uttered to a living soul.  You were the only person in the world I trusted.  I spent so many nights gazing at your precious face as you dreamed.  Those memories will live with me forever.  I love you.

Every moment we are able to spend together, I cherish more and more.











      Even if I do end up dragging you all over a cemetery to take photo's.  I need something to see how much you have grown! 

This past 4th of July we were fortunate enough to spend with some family.  One of my husbands cousins and his family anyway.  We had a great time, with lots of food and fireworks!  Hubbys' cousins mom lives about an hour and a half from us.  He and his family drove to her house and we drove down to meet everyone.  It was really nice. Haven't been able to spend the 4th with family in so long.  So any family was nice.  Even if the majority of them weren't really family. It was nice to be around "a" family! 



What was really great was the son unit had lots of other kids to play with. Mostly boys, so he was in hog heaven, after being pretty much the only boy in the house and the neighborhood.  There is a little boy that lives across the street from us most of the time, (divorced parents so he splits his time between mom and dad) but he is my boys age. So when he is home, the boy has someone to play with.  Lately though, he hasn't been home much.  And with the girls still being in California, my son hasn't had much of anyone to play with lately.  So the 4th was really awesome for him!  He got to be an honest to goodness boy!  Play football, blow things up, and get really dirty!  Okay, so daddy and his cousins had just as much fun blowing things up as the little boys did watching them.  But hey, they are all boys no matter their ages! 



Those boys!  Started off small, then worked their way up to bigger booms!


We had these awesome rockets, that when fired up into the air, a little parachute guy exploded out of the tops.  These boys loved chasing them down. Each boy was able to collect a parachute prize!

Wait for it...
There!! Run, Run!!





Ahh, the treasures that were found!!


And the things that were blown up!



My little boy stuck to his daddy like a shadow...

When he wasn't leaping across burning hot lava, trying to escape from the demon alligators!

The adults had just as much fun with sparklers as the kids did! 




And the big boys.  Well lets just say, they weren't exactly being impeccable role models!  Warning: do not try this at home!

I sat back, and watched as my family, and new found friends had a blast! (Literally!)  I tried to work on my techniques of photographing fireworks.  But like last year, I forgot my tripod... boo!


Eventually, I just sat back and enjoyed the show like everyone else.  We all sat around and watched the big boys pretend they were part of some high dollar pyrotechnics outfit, swatting at the mosquitoes that were eating us alive, and ducking from the bats that were eating the mosquitoes alive!  I found it hard to pay full attention to the fireworks, because the fields surrounding this awesome country farm house were absolutely infested with firefly's.  That in itself was magnificent to watch!

I did however at one point, during the sunset happen to glance over and see this. 

With the purple sky, and the fireworks going off in small town America for as far as our eyes could see.  It was an awe inspiring sight.  The house we were at was basically right in the middle of a large circle of small towns.  From our view points, we could see the fireworks displays of each town.  Plus any neighbors in the area that lit their own.  Plus ours.  This was the perfect 4th of July celebration. The kind you read about in books, or might imagine seeing in a Norman Rockwell.  Sitting in a backyard, in the middle of corn fields on some back country road in Central Indiana.  Now if that isn't hick country.. I don't know what is! And I love every minute of it!
And I truly remembered what this holiday is about.  Freedom!  

Mozart? Bach? Pachelbel?

Nope

As, I sit here on the couch, somewhat into the book I am reading and halfheartedly watching t.v. at the same time. My husband wanders over to the piano (okay so it isn't a baby grand, but it isn't a simple keyboard either, it is really quite magnificent)


It was a whim of a purchase you could say.  A few years ago, my husbands grandfather passed away.  We inherited some money at that time, and were very fortunate to pay off several large bills, okay all of them.  It is almost irritating that at a time of great sorrow, some financial relief could come to us.  In any case, we had money left over.  While driving around town one day, my dear hubby wanted to stop in at a local piano dealership and just look around.  He ended up purchasing what we have now.  I was not completely up for it at the time, thinking to what we had just come from, and not wanting to squander anything and end up right back there.  But he is very persistent, and convinced me that it would be for the family more than anything. That maybe the kids would become interested and we could get them piano lessons.  Wouldn't that be cool, something I had always wanted as a child.  So I reluctantly agreed, who was I to really say no anyway, it wasn't really my money, it hadn't been my grandfather.  (That would be another blog though!)

Needless to say, the kids had no real interest.  Sometimes the son unit gets a wild hair up his butt and will sit and play random notes and tunes.  Much like I did as a child whenever I was in the vicinity of a keyboard or piano.


My husband on the other hand, is really quite talented when it comes to playing.  Although he would never admit it personally.  He has an ornate talent for listening to music and being able to play it without sheet music in front of him, not that the sheet music would do much good since he couldn't read it anyway.  My dad had this same talent. Dad could listen to a song once and be able to play it on the guitar.  To me he was a god, the kind that belong on a stage in front of thousands.  But he was a humble man, and like my husband, would just dismiss it as having lots of practice, nothing special.

Back to the reason I sat down to write.  Hubby has been for the last year or so, composing you could say.  Nothing classical or operatic.  He has been writing a song.  I have listened to so many variations of this song.  He writes and rewrites. He changes chords and octaves.  He changes pitch and words.  He flips the intro with the outro, and reverses everything.  He gets completely frustrated and on the verge if lunacy.  Steps away and comes back to make the jumble of notes sound glorious.  I am a bit jealous of him.  To be able to sit in front of an instrument, touch keys, stretch his voice and sing and play a beautifully written song.  From nothing.  It is to me as though he is just reaching out and plucking this untouched piece of musical genius out of an abyss of nothingness and bringing it to life.  Playing as if he has played his whole life. 

Usually when he sits to play, I try to not speak. I become a part of the background, something I am quite good at doing.  I turn the t.v. down, and keep the kiddos to a dull roar in the next room.  I watch as he slips into another world. He drifts off toward the music he sees in his head, trying ever so hard to give it that shock of life, to revive it.  To bring the two images together and create one. The image of the finished piece in his head, and the reality of what he is playing.  I gaze with curiosity, and endearment.  With awe and, as I said before a touch of jealousy.  Jealous because I have never felt that talented.  He can take words and turn them into beautiful music. He can take cold ivory keys and turn them into a flow of harmonies I could never accomplish.  Then I think.  I can do somewhat the same thing.  I can take the words in my head and put them into a blog, and make people feel as if they have actually lived my thoughts, or so I have been told.  I also have my photography.  I may not be as great as some when it comes to photography. But I get to put what I see into images others can see.  I can snap the shot that will let others know how I felt at the time, or see what I was seeing, since we all know that no two people can look at the same tree and see the same thing.


So I tell my husband, "It will not come in a lighting bolt, it will take time"











Much like these photos I am posting here.  I took many the night I shot these. Most of them ended up in the recycle bin because I just didn't like what I saw.  They weren't the professional quality I thought they should be. Then again, these pictures are from last year.  I was still in the very, very early learning stages, and experimenting.  I know I have still not reached any sort of professional quality now, but I am getting better. 






Over time everything gets better.



I know one day, he will get his song to perfection in his mind.  To me it sounds perfect the way it is. To him, it just isn't there yet.  When he is satisfied then the world will hear his masterpiece.  I know he will be as overjoyed as I will be exuberant.


For now...
Keep Writing, Keep Photographing, Keep Dreaming and Keep Living!

The boy and I decided this morning to get out of the house this afternoon!  The day was turning out beautifully, and we definitely did not want to be cooped up in the house.  Why waste this day? Why not exploit it to every possibility?!  So that is what we did!

    Very pretty!!




Got the essentials!!... ( Yes, that is a monster Reid!! It's essential!)





  The boy said it wouldn't be a picnic without lemonade!



Still working on my tan... yes I know! pitiful!  But I don't tan as easily as some.. like, oh, say .. MY SISTER AND MY DAUGHTERS!!!  They are all three enemies to me!!  Tan snobs!!





He said the water was cold!




But it was hard for me to keep him out of it!!!  Although the cement was burning his little tootsies he said!!



After he played for a while, he decided it was time to eat some of our picnic!


Nothing like jelly sandwiches on a hot Saturday afternoon at the park!



Even if you do get jelly all over your wrinkly, pruned fingers!!






I even had one!!!


While I sat in the sun, working on my non-existing tan, with my orange toes!!



There were so many families at the park today.  Not as many as there had been when we first found the park, weeks ago. But enough that the boy had other kids to play with.  I sat back and enjoyed watching my boy run around with kids he had never met, acting as if they had know each other for their lifetimes.  Playing as though they had just seen each other yesterday.
There were families preparing sites for what looked like a family reunion, a family cleaning up from a birthday party, and others, just letting their kids run wild in the sun.  One woman chased after a child that seemed about 18 mos or so.  He seemed to have a never ending supply of energy, and a never stopping curiosity of everything. I remember when my kids were like that.. oh who am I kidding?  They still are!  This little one was everywhere at once!

Then, of course, I am the one writing this blog. And with as much fun as I was having watching everyone around me... I am me after all!

This is what I did, while attempting some sort of tan.....



I know.. I am a glutton for punishment!


I don't know what it is.  I ... well... really have no explanation for my actions!  I just couldn't leave it at home!!









Then again!!  I did take pictures also!!!





Tomorrow is the 4th, and we actually get to go spend it with some family!!! YAY!  We have not spent the 4th with any family in 5 years.  Hooray!!