How different life is when you don't have a job.

For so long it feels, I have had a job. Whether it be at a pistachio packing house, a private care home, or a major printing plant, they have still been jobs. Little part time and odds and ends jobs have also been mixed in there from time to time. I have liked all of my jobs. I really loved my last job, and even the one prior to. Alas, the story of my life happened again. And with all things I love, I had to give them up. Doesn't it just bite that you can't get rid of the things you dislike, but you can't keep the things you love?

Why is this?

Okay, so I know I was probably underpaid. I know I was probably taken advantage of in what I could do and my willingness to help others. But I also know that it was an awesome job. And the people I worked for and with were awesome people. They worked with me when my kids were sick. Let me leave early when we had sporting events or other kid related activities, and even when I didn't but just wanted to go home and spend some time with my family. They were very understanding when it came to personal things, and I just don't see many employers being that way. Those types of employers are hard to find.

Now, staying at home. There are things I want to do. I want to concentrate on my photography, I want to go back to school, I want to get a degree or certified to get a better job, or at least a better paying job. Then again, I miss the stability and schedule my life had prior to our move. I knew exactly what I was going to do everyday. What time I was going to get up, what needed to be done in the mornings before work, and what had to be done after work. For a long time it was very monotonous, yes I admit it. I think I got so used to it, that now when I have nothing to do, because I have done everything I need to before 10 am, and I find myself on the computer or watching t.v. I feel guilty. I feel guilty because suddenly I find myself completely supported by someone else, not able to support myself in any way what so ever. I feel guilty because I don't want to do any more laundry, or unpack any more boxes, yet these are things that need to be done. I feel guilty because I know he is at work and they are at school, yet I am here, in my pj's watching travel channel. What is wrong with me?

I don't think I am ready to go back to work yet. I still don't know my way around this strange new land yet, and I would need to find a daycare for both kids. School is expensive, and most of the courses I want to take are evening courses. Perfect for normal working adults, but not so perfect for a stay at home mom with a husband that rotates shifts at a retail store. Besides, am I really good enough to actually make any kind of money with my photography? I have been thinking more and more about massage therapy also. I love giving massages and making people feel better, but in 10 years are my hands still going to work?

Guess these are things I need to figure out.

Oh yeah, I am trying to quit smoking .... again.