So I am trying something new.

I quit smoking, well in the process of quitting. I know everyone says not to quit smoking and start something else new at the same time. But I had to. I don't want to sit around and get huge, and that is what is happening. I don't have the energy to do anything during the day, cause I don't HAVE to do anything during the day. I know I always complained about never having time to do things I want to do. Between working and the kids and the hubby and the HAVE to stuff, I couldn't do the WANT to stuff. Now, I am not working, the kids are at school pretty much all day, the hubby is gone at work all day, yet I am not doing the me stuff still. Part of the reason is, without working I don't have the money to do the WANT to stuff. Another part is, I hate doing things alone, ie. going new places, checking out cool stores, restaurants that sort of stuff. So, I sit around all day, depressed, bored, and eating because of both of those parts.

Yes I know, school will help. But I am only doing the school thing 3 days a week. I know the other two days I can study and do homework, and then there is always "home"work, but there is only so much cooking, cleaning and laundry a person wants to do in a day. (I really don't understand how the suicide numbers of housewives wasn't much higher back in the 50's, although I haven't really done any research into the matter, and that is just a personal opinion, simply because I am just not a sit at home kind of person) But it was different back then. Women lived to do housework, they loved it, it gave them so much of a sense of pride and joy, absolutely nothing wrong with that(, just not for me). Taking care of the family, making sure everyone was pressed, proper, fed and happy. Now, well, women grow up differently. Mom's work. Mom's go to school. Mom's have more going on outside the home then women did back then. Personally, I haven't ever been good at the stay home mommy thing. But then I have never been good at the stay anywhere longer than 10 minutes thing, I take after my grandfather! Because I have never been able to sit around leads me back to the original subject at hand. I have gotten lazy I feel. I know that doesn't make much sense, maybe the rest of this blog will help. I don't have the money to do the things I want to do. I don't have the people around me during the day to do things that don't necessarily require money. And I don't have the gumption or will power to clean all day long like Mary Freakin Poppins!! THIS HAS TO CHANGE!

Back to walking. I tried the gym membership back in GA. Alas, that stupid squirmy pest inside of me that makes my life absolutely miserable if I attempt to do things alone made the membership useless! I wanted to go, desperately I did! But I just couldn't bring myself to go alone. The eldest daughter unit went with me a few times, when hubby's schedule allowed. But most of the time, if I wanted to go, she was needed to watch the little two back home, while he was at work. So I just opted to not go, better than going alone, watching all these women talk to friends and enjoy life away from home, and look at me in pity and wonderment of why I don't have any friends... (self-conscious a bit??oh no, not me) My hubby thinks the membership was a complete waste of money. Well honey, you wasted it too. You know, it is so much easier for most, (and I stress most) men to do things like sports and gym's and such. Admit it, they just have it somewhat easier. Especially when little kids are around. Okay, well, my husband does anyway. He has the time to go to the gym, go play golf with buddies, go practice with his band and what-not. He has me. He can stop on his way home from work. He can come home and change his clothes and go again, knowing that the kids are well tended to because mom is with them. They will be fed, they will be bathed and tucked neatly into bed.

Mom's on the other hand, well now they just have it a little bit tougher. They have to plan things while the kids are at school, granted they are school aged. They have to find babysitters if not, (and trust me, living 3000 miles away from family makes that a little difficult when you don't have the money to spend!) They have to make sure to be certain places at certain times. And if a mom works, like the majority of mom's out there do. Well, then lets add time limits and other demands onto her. So to me it just seems that he has it a little better than me. So why didn't he take advantage of it?? I just didn't have the time.. work, pick up kids, make dinner, kids ready for bed, kids in bed. By then it was much to late in the evening, and the place we had the membership too was not a 24 hour place, so usually they were closed or would be by the time I got there. Oh and don't get me started on hobbies... that would have to be another blog entirely. Pretty nice to not have to take kids to band practice or out to the golf course isn't it?? Try dragging them on a photo shoot... yeah, thought so!

Wow, so so sorry, I have completely gotten off subject here. Back to walking! So yesterday I had one of those epiphany's I guess you could say! I was thinking, yes dangerous I know. "Why don't I get my lazy carcass off of the couch and go for a walk in the mornings as soon as the son unit leaves on the bus??? DUHHH Perfect time. I will have to make a few adjustments as soon as I start to school, but it wouldn't be bad. I could walk at least 20 minutes or so a day,at least to start with. That soooo doesn't cost any money!! I already have an iPod, I already have walking shoes, I already have weights, I already have proper clothing"... WHAMMM SMACK TO THE FOREHEAD!!

So the tough part, actually making myself do it! This morning came, I got the daughter unit up, out the door. Son unit up, working on getting him out the door. Still sitting around in my pj's. Check my email. Trying to get motivated. Do I really want to do this today? No-one will know if I just put it off till tomorrow. I haven't told anyone I was going to. I haven't really committed myself to it, not out loud at least. I have only told the kids. They wouldn't know the difference anyway. I could just lie to them if they asked, or, you know what.. I am mom, it doesn't matter, I will just give them some lame excuse like I did when I kept telling them I would quit smoki....... WOW. What a horrible parent I am. My kids begging me to quit smoking, telling me how bad it is, how they don't want to lose their mommy, and me giving them stupid excuses and telling them over and over again tomorrow, tomorrow, next week, when we get through this move, by your birthday I promise... LIAR.
THAT'S IT. NO MORE OF THAT. I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT TO THEM ANYMORE. I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR THEM. FOR ME. I HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN THROUGH 2 DAYS WITH NO CIGARETTES. I WILL GET GOING WITH THIS WALKING AND ATTEMPTING TO WORK OUT IF IT KILLS ME. Hey maybe walking in the mornings will help kick the nicotine craving also!!?? I WILL BE SUPER-MOM. I WILL LIVE UP TO ALL THE EXPECTATIONS. I WILL GET INTO SOME SORT OF SHAPE AND NOT THE BLOB I AM SLOWLY BECOMING!! I WILL BE PROUD WHEN I LOOK IN THE EYES OF MY CHILDREN AND TELL THEM, YES I WALKED TODAY!!!!!!

TODAY IS A NEW DAY!!!!!