I had my financial aide appointment and finalization meeting at the college today. Everything is set, my schedule is done, my loans are approved, my plans are in motion. So why am I so scared to death? I think the biggest question is, as would be with any major life changing decision, have I made the right decision? Is this really going to be the right path I should be taking now?

A week ago I was absolutely positive this was where I wanted to be, this is what I want to do. Of course all of the encouraging words from my family and friends have played a major part in it also. I believe what everyone says, or at least I want too. I know I can do this, if I focus. I know the next couple of years are going to be really hard. I can only do a few classes a semester right now, due in part to the kids schedules, and the financial situation. So it will take longer than I had hoped. I truly do think in the long run, that this will be what is best for us. It will help me to obtain a better job, that will help to secure our financial future. Then why am I so scared to death?

I think seeing the money involved has gotten me pretty scared. I am applying for grants and scholarships, and have loans set up to carry me through the first 3 semesters. Then I will have to reapply for more loans, and try for more scholarships and grants. Meaning more money to pay back. I know the payments will be okay, especially since I don't have to start repaying until after I graduate. After graduating I will have a degree and the skills to get a better paying job to help knock those loans out. Then why am I so scared to death?

Will my kids really understand when I can't be here to get them on the bus every single morning? Will my family understand when they have to throw some microwave burritos in for dinner because mom is doing homework? Will my husband really be as supportive as he says he will? Will he really understand when I am too tired to rub his hands or make him a midnight snack, because I have done the household chores, the mommy stuff, my own school stuff, and the kids school stuff as well? Will they understand when the house isn't pristine or the laundry has piled up a little to much? Maybe that is why I am so scared to death.


I am scared of failure. I am scared of losing more than I have. I am scared of being overwhelmed and feeling like I am losing control. I am scared that maybe I am really not as smart as I think I am, and it will all be too much. I am scared to death.

Maybe I have not made a good decision. But it is a decision I will stick with, and stick behind. I will be my biggest supporter. Just as I have supported my husband with all of the decisions that have been made for our family. Even if I don't get the same support back. I will show my children that it is never too late to do something important. I will show them that I can still be Super Mom while getting a college education. I will prove to everyone that thought I would never do anything important and meaningful with my life that they were wrong. Just as I did before, I will again. I will finish this with my head held high, and my best foot forward. I will do everything in my power to make this work and make this a good thing. I will study harder than I ever have before, and focus on everything detail of everything in school and out. I WILL SUCCEED!

Then why am I scared to death?